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Humor and Alternatives

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Anonymous 4
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Have you learned something funny? Post it here. Sometimes we all need a good laugh. We all get humorous emails we can share and if it's not funny then it's nice to be an anonymous poster. Thumbs up if you Laugh Out Loud ONLY!

For instance:

A young minor felon just got sentenced to six months and ended up in a hardened institution for long termers and lifers. One day while on yard break he sits quietly and listens. He's hearing 1 and 2 digit numbers called out across the yard by various inmates. Some giggle at the number 95 as some frown and boo while others absolutely crack up hearing 92 and many other numbers called out. The laughs rolls out for 20 more minutes.

After a few days of the same routine he begins to get bored and inquires of a peer what on earth they're doing... a guy hollers "53" and everybody giggles while another boldly yells "26" and there's total silence and frowns across the yard? What's! What's up with that?

The fellow replies, "You know these guys have been here many years, right?" Newbie nods. "And new jokes hardly come in past these walls."  Nods again. "Then you must realize we've heard the same jokes hundreds of times, right?  So it's like this... We decided to give all jokes a number so we don't have to waste our time reciting the whole thing every time we want a good laugh."

Ohhhhh, I get it. Very smart and a great time saver. So, do you think they'd mind if I tried to tell a few? 

"Suit yourself but you're on your own, ok?"

The next day, with grest confidence, the newcomer yells out "31".  He gets frowns and hard stares returned from the old timers in a far corner. Thinks, let me try something lower and yells out "16" which echoes off the walls.  Hoping for a positive response he gets back a snort and a snicker from a smoking huddle just feet away. Let me try something higher which must be funny and likely a newer one. He proudly syands, cups his hands over the mouth in the shape if a meg a phone and sounds off a good and loud "85" across the yard.  Now he finds himself ducking from flying stones and debris from every direction.

He sounds off to his peer, "You know, I put everything I had into those jokes this morning and all I got back was a few snickers... and to top it off they cussed at me and threw things at me. Can you tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Walking away, the peer shrugs and replies, "Ya know, some guys can tell jokes and some guys can't.

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Anonymous 4
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A hungry, street guy sees Mike Tyson exiting the local fish market with a bag in his hands. The guy stops Mike and asks, "Mr. Tyson,  If I can guess how many fish you have in your  bag, would you give me one of them?".
 
The Champ replies, "I'll tell you what... If you can guess how many fish I have in this bag,
I'll give you both of them!"
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Anonymous 4
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So I enjoy the time I spend tending to my garden which has some expenses... sometimes I think it would have been cheaper to just buy the veggies in a market. https://forum.oneworldofnations.com/community/place-holder-1/lets-talk-gardening

Which reminds me of a cartoon I once saw in Playboy Mag.

In front of a fishing tackle shop was the husband drooling over the new fishing season's tackle, rods, reels, nets, flies and lures. Behind him stood the wife leaning in to make her statement...

"Aren't you still paying for that fish you caught last year?"

There's not much more to say.

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Anonymous 4
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Here Are Some Life Lessons
 
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,
 
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision.
The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
 
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
 
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
 
"The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”  "Great, I'll start later."
 
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn't have children there's a high probability you won't either.
 
If you're not called crazy when you start something new, then you’renot thinking big enough.
 
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks - "What the Hell is wrong with
you?"
 
"I'm 85 and my body is full of aches and pains." "Well, I'm 85 and I feel like a newborn baby." "Really?" "Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants."
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Anonymous 4
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Who's running the World?
 
Biden, Putin and Xi were arguing on Who’s in charge of the world, US , Russia or China?
 
Without any conclusion , they turned to "Narendra Modi", the Indian Prime Minister and asked him who’s in charge of the world ?
 
Modi replied : All I know is:
 
  1. Google CEO is an Indian .
  2. Microsoft CEO is an Indian .
  3. Adobe CEO is an Indian .
  4. Net App CEO is an Indian .
  5. MasterCard CEO is an Indian .
  6. DBS CEO is an Indian .
  7 Novartis CEO is an Indian
  8. Diageo CEO is an Indian .
  9. SanDisk CEO is an Indian .
10. Harman CEO is an Indian .
11. Micron CEO is an Indian
12. Palo Alto Networks CEO is an Indian .
13. Reckitt Benckiser CEO is an Indian .
14. IBM CEO is an Indian .
15. Britain’s Chancellor is an Indian .
16. Britain’s Home Secretary is an Indian .
17. Ireland’s Prime minister is an Indian .
18. Britain's Prime Minister is an Indian.
 
And the American Vice President is Indian .
 
So … *.who's running the World*?
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